We as a society reward weight loss.
We don't tend to outright complement people on fitness performance, but oh, do you hear about it when you lose weight. Workplaces have "wellness competitions" where the goal isn't who can swim the most, or run the farthest, or accumulate the most steps. Nope, it's who can lose the most weight.
Thursday wasn't my epiphany in this regard, but it certainly hit home. Earlier in the day, a friend had posted in a Facebook group about losing weight. She was complemented, and indeed, she had worked hard. Someone made a comment about it being great to see the numbers go down on the scale.
I liked it, because well, yup. That would be part of the problem at the moment.
At barre Thursday night, we were working on lower abs, when the lovely instructor reminded us that "This is where you zip up your jeans!"
"I'm already a size 4," I thought as I also contemplated the merits of just dying there. "How much more am I supposed to take off? Bone? Do I shave it off? A size 2? Maybe a 0?"
But that's what society says you do. Someone drops weight, you complement them. They get smaller, and they're seen to have "won." You don't focus on how well you do something, but you focus on how it makes you take up less space.
What a fantastic headspace to have society constantly place you in.
Especially when on the flip side, I get the angles of people who know what's going on, and they've got loud opinions on it -- and I've wryly joked that mine seems to be the only one who doesn't get an opinion on the deal. I mean, society agrees with my point of view, right?
"I want you to stop losing weight," says the endocrinologist.
"You can't lose more weight, I don't like this trend," says the dietitian.
"I want you to think about whether you can be comfortable where you are," says Therapist 3.0.
That's what they say. But society says to keep work toward smaller. My brain? I don't want to be smaller, per se. I just don't want to be fat.
I've found it amazing over the past year how often I am complemented by people who haven't seen me in a while, and who don't know what has been happening in my life.
"You look great!" they say. Or "You've lost weight!" "Your workouts must be really working!" said the Athleta clerk when I was doing a return, after buying tights that were too big. (Because in my head, there's no possible way that I'm a size small anything.)
The conversation suddenly gets quiet when I say that well, I've been dealing with some health issues. Because I figure that's true. And people don't know how to react to that. Because it goes against what society has told them to do and think. Weight loss being a "bad" thing? Impossible.
Saturday night at the gala, I think I decided I was tired of just pretending that oh, I won, and that being this size came naturally. A mother of another type 1 was talking about CGM with me, and I was explaining my concerns -- that I couldn't tolerate the site of it on my torso, and I didn't really have the "real estate" to wear it anywhere else. My arms don't have the fat necessary, I explained.
She commented that really, they weren't that bad on the back of the arm, and I... well, I had it. I turned and showed her.
"Oh! Your arms really are that skinny! Wow! How did you do it?"
"Well, I swim a lot..."
And as my voice trailed off, I decided I really had no more fucks to give.
"Honestly? I've had an eating disorder on and off for 20 years. So I swim a lot, but I think that probably has more to do with it."
Because really. There are only so many cares that I can give about what society thinks and rewards.
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